Wednesday Soapbox: Exercise is Evil
This is the first in a series of weekly opinion pieces by various members of the Belfast Skeptics. If you have an opinion to share or just want to rant about something, email us and we’ll have a chat.
I’ll be honest with you; I don’t do ‘exercise’. Frankly, I barely do ‘movement’ at all. Still thin, but only because this comically lankly cadaver (my body) offers bountiful room to savour roasts gone by.
Now, I know this kind of lifestyle is bad. I do! Like most people, however, the mere notion of going to a gym, a place where your muscles go to work and your brain goes to die, gives me hives, headaches and heartburn. Possibly incontinence. Who knows, I’m knocking on a bit.
Little did I know, however, that you can achieve all those ailments (and many, many more!) by actually going to one of the bloody places. And that includes incontinence! Yes, dear reader, word on the street is (or, at least, in the personal universe of writers at The Sun) the gym is a place of terrible hardship beyond just making your muscles ache.
“10 reasons to avoid the gym” is a fascinating article which asks that, although the gym may get you fit, “do you ever think how much you could save by staying on the couch?” Glad to see the Health section of The Sun and I are on the same page.
Along with headaches, heartburn, hives and incontinence, other lurking threats include chronic farting, runny noses and, wait for it, the dreaded EAR POPPING. Let’s kick this off with something; most of the ‘threats’ in the gym come from that most lethal of all activities known as ‘living’. Let’s take farting. Apparently, “each time you contract the muscles around your internal organs you risk letting one loose”. This, then, doubles as a reason of why you should avoid doing anything, anywhere, ever. WHAT a tragedy.
They say moving after having dairy will make your nose gush Niagara style. So before you crack open a white chocolate Magnum, you’d better be sat down with nothing to do for a while.
Hives is a fun one, too. Apparently, some people ARE allergic to exercise. It’s a good job kids don’t read newspapers, because that’d be the FIRST reason I’d give to avoid cross-country, I can tell you.
Another problem with the gym, allegedly, is the time it takes to get there. They therefore suggest you “Go for a run outdoors, instead”. Well hang on, now, Mr. The Sun Health section. According to you lot, if I go for a run outdoors, I’ll end up exposing unwitting members of the general public to a farting, nose running, weeing machine.
ALL those ‘problems’ with the gym and they ignore the biggest one of all; that the gym is unrelentingly boring. Despite that, the only conclusion I can draw about what I should do, exercise-wise, is to continue doing absolutely nothing. A victory well earned, I feel.