Wednesday Soapbox: Exercise is Evil

This is the first in a series of weekly opinion pieces by various members of the Belfast Skeptics. If you have an opinion to share or just want to rant about something, email us and we’ll have a chat.

I’ll be honest with you; I don’t do ‘exercise’. Frankly, I barely do ‘movement’ at all. Still thin, but only because this comically lankly cadaver (my body) offers bountiful room to savour roasts gone by.

Now, I know this kind of lifestyle is bad. I do! Like most people, however, the mere notion of going to a gym, a place where your muscles go to work and your brain goes to die, gives me hives, headaches and heartburn. Possibly incontinence. Who knows, I’m knocking on a bit.

Little did I know, however, that you can achieve all those ailments (and many, many more!) by actually going to one of the bloody places. And that includes incontinence! Yes, dear reader, word on the street is (or, at least, in the personal universe of writers at The Sun) the gym is a place of terrible hardship beyond just making your muscles ache.

10 reasons to avoid the gym” is a fascinating article which asks that, although the gym may get you fit, “do you ever think how much you could save by staying on the couch?” Glad to see the Health section of The Sun and I are on the same page.

Along with headaches, heartburn, hives and incontinence, other lurking threats include chronic farting, runny noses and, wait for it, the dreaded EAR POPPING. Let’s kick this off with PT inside CRC 028something; most of the ‘threats’ in the gym come from that most lethal of all activities known as ‘living’. Let’s take farting. Apparently, “each time you contract the muscles around your internal organs you risk letting one loose”. This, then, doubles as a reason of why you should avoid doing anything, anywhere, ever. WHAT a tragedy.

They say moving after having dairy will make your nose gush Niagara style. So before you crack open a white chocolate Magnum, you’d better be sat down with nothing to do for a while.

Hives is a fun one, too. Apparently, some people ARE allergic to exercise. It’s a good job kids don’t read newspapers, because that’d be the FIRST reason I’d give to avoid cross-country, I can tell you.

Another problem with the gym, allegedly, is the time it takes to get there. They therefore suggest you “Go for a run outdoors, instead”. Well hang on, now, Mr. The Sun Health section. According to you lot, if I go for a run outdoors, I’ll end up exposing unwitting members of the general public to a farting, nose running, weeing machine.

ALL those ‘problems’ with the gym and they ignore the biggest one of all; that the gym is unrelentingly boring. Despite that, the only conclusion I can draw about what I should do, exercise-wise, is to continue doing absolutely nothing. A victory well earned, I feel.

3 Replies to “Wednesday Soapbox: Exercise is Evil”

  1. I have exercised for years, and it is great!

    You may be lucky enough to be happy with your body, but countless others are not as fortunate. Due to our ever sedantry lifestyles and almost unlimited access to cheap calories, the average human bodyshape has bloated due to it’s greedy storage of fat. But it’s not our fault, we’re designed to be as lazy as possible, but in the past we couldn’t just pop down to tescos for the weekly shop, we had to hunt and gather everything.

    Exercise is now an essential replacement for food foraging exploits, and without it we become full of simply digested carbohydrates and high energy fats, all of which chemically alter the proteins in our cells, eventually an accumulation of modifed proteins/hormones/enzymes over-ride our normal functions, our receptors become desensitized, we begin to fail ourselves. Obesity and diabetes are massively over-looked in modern society, these are the conditions that preclude heart disease and cancers.

    Exercise is THE cure for the majority of western ailments, if the infrastructure for sport in NI was increased to provide free exercise and sport for children, we would save billions in NHS bills as these same children will have less health problems in life.

    Exercise is essential for everyone, it doesn’t have to be a marathon, you don’t have to swim the channel or lift a quarter of a metric tonne to exercise, you just need to raise you heart rate from time to time, use some muscles that have started to atrophy!! You will feel better both physically and mentally!!

    1. Cheers for the comment Eamon. I myself am trying to get in to the habit of exercising regularly. I jogged for a while, but fell out of it ’cause I tried to do too much! Anyway, I suppose I’d agree with the sentiment of your comment, but wouldn’t necessarily agree with the penultimate paragraph (“Exercise is THE cure…”). I don’t see exercise as being the cure for much at all really. I think it can act as a preventative measure, but the idea that you can cure, for example, even obesity through exercise alone is far-fetched, to put it politely.

      The benefits of exercise are clear, but it isn’t a magic pill – it’s a case of diet and exercise and life in moderation.
      Thanks again for the comment,

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